Inner and Outter Growth

Well I am now almost 20 weeks, on Wednesday. Everyone seems to be concerned with how I am feeling, in a word-tired. I have decide that this will probably be my way of life from this point out for many years to come! Things could not be more different this time around. A lot less security, and alot more faith. With Ty and Olivia I had more sonograms than I could count. We always were aware of what was going on. This time we have not had a one. We have decided not to find out the sex of the baby this go around but have been convinced by my doctor to have a sonogram at 24 weeks to see if development is going smoothly. I still need to work out the logistics of that. As of now, we do not have maternity insurance but there is a possibility that could change by January. I would appreciate prayers over this issue very much!

Being a surprise, and the planner that I am, I had a lot of anxiety at first. I can now feel God giving me a lot of peace and I know that is answered prayer. There are several things that have happened over the past month imparticular that have allowed me to embrace this baby. I have also received a lot of encouragement and can feel God working through those around me. Its still so hard to imagine having a baby at this point in my life, and where we are as a family. My children are far past this stage and it has been very freeing. I have given absolutely every baby item away with the exception of my 1974 highchair in my attic and a few special blankets. The month before I found out I was pregnant I gave away a tub of Ty's newborn things to Good Will!!!!! I am still just sick about that. How special it would have been to see those things again especially if he has a brother. I remember how much trouble I had boxing them up at one time. All of his clothes since have been passed along, as well as Liv's but that one box had been overlooked somehow. I guess I could say the same for a little girl.

Its been four years since I did this and have already forgotten so much. I don't remember how things should be, how much I should be feeling, how big should I be, or if I am drinking enough water, etc. I have switched to half-caff and only have one diet coke a week. That is a HUGE change for me! My hunger has gone back to normal, no cravings, and stopped being nausiated at 13 weeks. I also had given away all of my maternity clothes and received just a few back, however had the biggest blessing this past week from my friend Windi!!! Two HUGE tubs of WAY cute clothes!!! So much more than I ever had and I love every single item!!! I was in tears as I was hanging them up earlier today! I am not sure how they are going to all fit in my closet!

Not knowing who this little person is or what to call them has been different as well, yet surprisingly not hard! We are not planning a special room as we did the other times. I also am not really concerned about that, which is very uncharacteristic of me! Another wonderful friend has offered to let me use her cradle which held her children until they were 6 months of age. This gives us a lot of time to get that worked out after the baby has arrived, as well as the two children who are in both of my baby beds to grow out of them! I have gone back and forth about having a baby in our room and have decided its fine for a little while. Most likely we will be putting bunkbeds in Ty's room and let them share and a baby bed in Olivia's until we make more of a decision. Still really not sure but not worried about it. I know it will all work out and that we are fortunate to have moved into a four bedroom house, regardless if all rooms are occupied at the moment.

I really think not knowing and meeting this little person on their birthday will make it all the more special for all of us! Both kids say they would like a brother. Ty is thinking if he has a brother it will arrive ready to play ball and Olivia is just concerned about sharing her Barbies. Should be interesting! Olivia asks me daily when the doctor is going to take the baby out and does not have a concept of time, Ty forgets occassionally that there will be an addition. It really is kind of complicated to grasp, I think for all of us!

I have decided though that I am not taking any step of this journey for granted regardless of how it turns out. God has really been doing some stirring in me, as well as some pushing to make the choice to change alot of things about myself for the benefit of all who are around me. It makes me sad and embarassed to think very much about how much I did not even know how much I needed to grow. This makes me all the more thankful for a God and family who loves me anyway and have been so patient along the way. I don't know how Trent has put up with so much hormonal rage and irritability but am so thankful he has stood by me encouraging me and forgiving me all the while! I have finally been able to quit worrying and hand over this pregnancy to God and have to say it has given me SO much relief. Why I did not do that sooner and allow myself to just enjoy it, I do not know.

When I started this blog, I thought it would be a great way to keep up with friends and family whom I do not see often and it has since turned into something so different. I know not as many people stop by and keep up as once did and some of that has to do with me going private as well as probably leading not a real entertaining life! Anway, it has since been a great way to take myself back to moments that might otherwise have escaped me. I love going back and seeing what I was thinking or what we were doing two years ago and being physically reminded through pictures and emotionally through words. I hope that I can come back to this post when this child is older and remember what an impact it had on my spiritual growth. God has used this experience to teach me so much about the woman I want to be and how to become her. I hope at that point I am so much closer to that person whom this child and the rest of my family deserve.